Faith

Broken but Not Destroyed

Joshauna Nash

“…Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh,” Luke 6:21

Joshauna Nash – wife, mother, career woman, overcomer!

Imagine being the person that strives to wear a perfect smile complimented by a trendy outfit and accented by the right shoes whenever in public. Your plans for success have been clearly detailed. You’ve even outlined what would make the perfect spouse to eventually build the ideal family. Nothing can deter you from fulfilling your dreams as you’ve masterminded a plan that you hope could someday prove to be a blueprint for a “happy” life. Then, in the blink of an eye, you find yourself on a downward spiral not knowing how you will halt this fall that seems to be stripping you of everything you’d ever hoped and prayed for yourself. That person was me.

Three Years

Over a three-year span beginning in 2009, my life went through a complete transformation. I got married and shortly after became aware of infidelity–emotional and verbal abuse followed. In 2010, I experienced a miscarriage at the beginning of my second trimester. In 2011, I delivered my son prematurely at only 27 1/2 weeks after an almost six-week bedridden stay in the hospital. I filed for bankruptcy in 2012 and got a divorce that same year.

I didn’t speak much on what I was going through at the time, and while in public, I mastered the art of looking happy or at least tried to give the impression that I was living a normal life. However, I felt embarrassed, empty, ashamed, lonely and directionless. I was broken and my self-esteem low. If not for my son and wanting to give him the best life possible (including an emotionally stable mother), I probably would have allowed my shattered spirit, my warped mindset and the physical pain of emotional hurt to destroy me.

I was dealing with the type of emotional pain that gripped me in the wee hours of the night. The time of night when the house was quiet and still leaving me to shed my tears in silence. That’s the worst type of cry. It physically hurt to silently cry when I really wanted to wail. I would put cold towels on my eyes before I drifted off to sleep so they weren’t noticeably puffy in the morning. By day, I played a role that hid my insecurities and gave people the impression that I was strong or that nothing was wrong. I hid my despair so well that it wasn’t until two years after my divorce that my boss learned that I was no longer married—and I volunteered to share that information with her.

I lost Myself

It’s important to note that I didn’t hurt because of what I lost—I hurt because I lost myself. I lost the confidence that my parents instilled in me. I lost my drive and ambition that inspired me to go after my goals and dreams. I lost the part of me that made me appreciate the small things like the bright sun shining on a cold day. I didn’t smile as much, my ability to trust was nonexistent and I adopted an “I don’t care,” attitude.

But God!

“But God” didn’t let me wallow in my loss long enough for it to become branded on my heart. In my weakest moment, I was reminded of Psalms 118:17, “I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord.” This scripture was shared with me by a sister in the body of Christ who encouraged me to speak this over my unborn child while carrying him and praying he would make it out of my womb alive and healthy. When speaking this over my child, I replaced the word, “I” with “You.”

I eventually took ownership of Psalms 118:17 for myself. Quotes, sayings, even other people’s words and prophesy couldn’t do it for me at that time. I needed the Word of God that as Hebrews 4:12 tells us, “…is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword…”

Psalms 118:17 became my daily bread as I battled to not allow depression and bitterness to overtake me. Make no mistake, in all that I had experienced, I never lost faith in God. Growing up in a family of praying women—my mother, grandmother and aunts—I learned at a young age that prayer was the key. I consider myself blessed to be a part of a family that spent Friday nights together cooking and ending the night with prayer, including speaking in tongues and anointing us kid’s heads with blessed oil while we played and made makeshift tents with blankets in the basement of whomever family member’s house we were over. When you have that in you, it doesn’t mean you’re not going to go through. It just makes it a little more difficult to give up when it seems like there’s no hope left.

Embrace Healing

I may have been broken, but I wasn’t destroyed. As such, I began to pray daily for God to help me to forgive. That prayer included genuinely praying for the people I felt hurt me. I’ll keep it real–it took some time for me to get those prayers right, lol! While I prayed for God to remove hurt, anger and bitterness, I also had to do the work. God wanted to heal my broken heart. It was up to me to embrace my healing to receive my peace.

I made a conscious effort to release anger and bitterness. I had to choose to let go of my hurts and failures. It wasn’t easy, especially when things occurred that stirred up anger. I began to seek God for my purpose, eventually realizing that the premise of my purpose was predicated from my pain. I embraced opportunities to rebuild my life. I worked to restore my credit. I enrolled in graduate school and attained my master’s degree. I opened my heart and made it a goal to not punish others for what happened to me. It wasn’t easy, but as time went on, anger and bitterness faded and my manufactured smile once again became genuine.

My Testimony

For years, I kept my journey of becoming who I am quiet—only sharing tidbits of my story with those who I thought may need comfort or an encouraging word for a situation they were going through similar to what I’d undergone. Today, I deem my experiences, hurts and disappointments a testimony to give God the glory for the things I became a victim of and admittedly brought on myself. I now confidently and unapologetically exist as a God-fearing wife (re-married to a man who loves me and my son unconditionally), a mother, career woman and business owner. I’m grateful for the positive and negative experiences that I believe have shaped me into the woman I am today.

I don’t expect that my formula will work for everyone. However, I’m positive that putting your faith and trust in God will make the process of healing much easier. The bible tells us in Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” In your weakest moment, look to God and I sincerely believe He will grant you the inner peace, strength and healing that you so desire. Remember, “…Blessed are ye that weep now; for ye shall laugh,” Luke 6:12.

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Published by Joshauna Nash

25 thoughts on “Broken but Not Destroyed”

    2. Your story reigns true to many ladies who just can seem to find their way. One important fact you shared was that even though you felt lost, you were not lost at all. You still kept your faith in God. The one who will give you the desires of your heart. Thank you for sharing. Your testimony will help someone else. This blog is your Ministry.

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      1. Thank you, Tina! Im grateful that I was able to keep my faith in God through all that was happening. I know it’s the reason why I’m where I am today. I appreciate your encouragement.

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    3. First of all, it was incredibly dificult to share that. And I applaud you for doing so. It was a riveting read, well-written. I think that a lot of women suffer in silence. That makes your writing brave. I am so happy you have your son. God knew exactly what you needed to keep you moving. And you may not have felt like it but girl, sometimes faking it until you make it works. That fake smile, it gave you the space to take care of your shit. I’m so happy that you did. And I’m happy I followed your blog. And I’m going to be reading. I hope to get a heavy dose of the big Fs lol. Happy blogging sis. Enjoy that fucking sun tomorrow. Excuse my french. But you deserve it. 🖤

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      1. Thank you so much!!! I definitely learned how to keep it together in public and create a smile. My so really kept me going everyday, but there came a time when I really wanted to be my genuine self and I’m so grateful that God allowed me to get back to a place of peace. I’m so grateful for your inspiring words. I’m going to continue writing and hopefully encouraging others. So glad we’ve virtually met!

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  2. Joshauna this is beautiful and so uplifting you give me strength to want to move forward in my life.I was trapped in my past and how I was treated and belittled by my husband many times wanting6to leave but I stayed and took the abuse and it was still hunting me but I feel a release in my spirit and I believe God is getting ready to do something great for me.I have gotten so use to people using me until it just became the norm.I never really had anyone to lean on everyone always wanted something from me but never once ask me what I needed but I was always there for whom ever and I could never say no because I thought I would lose my family friend’s or whom ever but I’m gradually getting better and you have really opened my eyes to a lot of things I’ve been going through so thank you for allowing me to read this.I pray God continue to use you to help someone else be blessed love you.

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    1. I love you and I’m so glad this blessed you. You were a part of my healing. When I was going through, it gave me peace knowing that Jeremiah was being cared for with love while I was working. Allow God to use you and open yourself up to the great things that God is going to do for you. Thank you so much for reading my story and for your support.

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  3. Awesome!! The proverb, “no pain, no gain” suggests that some amount of suffering is necessary to better ourselves. Joy does not come out of a pain-free environment, but a suffering one. And, there is a difference between joy and happiness, because the roots that produce joy grow strong and deep and rich in the soil of much affliction. It’s actually through the trials and sufferings in our life that God really teaches and enables us to be who HE wants us to be. God is still a jealous God; and, so, pain reminds us of a deeper need, which is a need for the more of Him. I, too, can attest to and have experienced EVERYTHING you’ve mentioned, perhaps even more. Also, like you, God delivered me; and, today, there is no shame in my game. BUT, GOD!!! Although no pain is exactly alike, we must all walk the journey and path that God has for our lives; He promises that there is a purpose in all pain. We may not see it at the time; but, He uses our story (each of ours) for His Glory! (What Satan means for evil, God will use for good … Genesis 50:20) It is hard to even imagine that the purpose of pain in our life is to encourage us to find “joy” in the middle of it.

    Therefore, thus says the Lord GOD: “An adversary shall surround the land and bring down your defenses from you, and your strongholds shall be plundered.” King James Bible – Therefore, thus saith the Lord GOD: An adversary there shall be even round about the land; and, he shall bring down thy strength from thee, and thy palaces shall be spoiled. (Amos 3:11)

    But, we know that our God who, because He commands the forces of heaven, both visible and invisible, rules with unrestricted omnipotence on earth as well as in heaven. Satan can STILL do no more than God allows; he STILL has to get permission from God Almighty!

    I am so ecstatic for you; I have prayed so many times in secret for you because of what I sensed in my spirit regarding you. And, I am most grateful that our Father who sees in secret has rewarded you in public! Healing is ours, saith the Lord! He is true to His Word! The enemy never lets down; he is always on the loose and prowling around telling you lies while seeking to destroy you. He will tell you that you are a victim … he will tell you just how bad you are or just how bad the situation is that you are in … he will tell you there’s no hope … he will say everything he can to bring you down and to distract you from the truth. But, we are “victors” through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior; NOT “victims”! It is because we live in a fallen and broken world that we are often victims of the sins and/or evils that are committed towards us. “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” – 1 Corinthians 15:57

    YES, you have value. You have purpose. You have skills. You have abilities. You have courage. You have confidence. Most of all, you have love. Just know that I, too, love you so much!

    And, now, we both can truly say: “For, I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-39

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  4. Thank you for your words and for pointing out how powerful the Word of God is in our lives. When you’re going through difficulty, it is so hard to see the purpose in it. I’m grateful that God was merciful and allowed me to heal in a way that I hope my words and testimony will reach and help others. Love you and thank you so much for your prayers and support!!!!!

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  5. I love your testimony it was a blessing to me as I struggle with different things from my past, OH But God will complete what he started in me. I’m trusting God in all things.

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  6. I knew your story cousin and even I couldn’t tell that you were living with so much pain. I commend you for staying strong and trusting and believing that God would heal you and bring you thru. I know at times we feel like he’s abandoned us when things don’t go the way we planned. I guess that’s why we have to follow his lead because his plan isn’t necessarily ours. I know I’m head strong and that’s one of my struggles I feel like I can figure anything out but God has started to humble me to see that I can’t. I absolutely have to walk in his path and allow him to lead. You motivated me with your article and I love you dearly. Thank you for being you!

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    1. Thank you so much, Monyea! You are so right that we have to allow God to lead us. I thought I had a plan for my life and that if I did things a certain way, that my plan would work out perfectly. I’m truly grateful that God humbled me. I love you too, cousin. God is going to do great things in your life. We just have to keep God first.

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  7. You’re testimony touched me more than you know! Thank you for sharing and shining light that with faith and prayer, we can overcome our most difficult times. I’m looking forward to reading more from you! ❤️

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  8. You have left me in tears, precious. ♥️ This masterful, annointed sharing of the sweet Love and grace of our Saviour through the toils of life has blessed me beyond words.The ‘gifts’ and ‘revelations’ that God has imparted unto you through incredible pain will bless and strengthen the Body and draw many souls into the Kingdom. I am so thoroughly excited as I watch God’s Glory being expressed through you. Loving you FOREVER…🎉💙😘

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  9. You have left me in tears, precious. ♥️ This masterful, annointed sharing of the sweet Love and Grace of our Saviour through the toils of life has blessed me beyond words. The ‘gifts’ and ‘revelations’ that God has imparted unto you through incredible pain will bless and strengthen the Body and draw many souls into the Kingdom. I am so thoroughly excited as I watch God’s Glory being expressed through you. Loving you FOREVER…🎉💙😘

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    1. Love you too, Sis. Tolliver! Thank you for your support, prayers and encouragement. I am so grateful for my church family. During that time, you all really held me up even if you didn’t realize all that I was dealing with internally. Thank you so much for reading and I’m looking forward to all that God is doing.

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  10. Wow… Thank you for sharing your testimony! Powerful. May God continue to bless you to keep sharing where he has brought you from. You are going to touch so many people with your testimony. You are an overcomer

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  11. Wow!! Impressive, motivating & encouraging, candid, anointed, powerful….. but VICTORIOUS prevails over all others. Thank you for being so transparent that God clearly shines through.

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  12. There are two things, one you have opened my eyes to some things I didn’t know. They said it is two sides to every story. Thank you for opening my eyes. Two even in the past situation I was just in I felt just like you did. I appreciate your advice or how to move forward and I am going to do just that. It is so much I want to say but I will not place it out here. Just know you have helped me make a decision that could have destroyed me even more.

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